I have been avoiding new connections till I was totally healed from depression, then I met someone and decided to go for it, open and honest.

I now feel….Bad about that. Bad about myself. Like my heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe past the irresponsibility of opening it.

I feel ashamed for attempting to date while depressed, knowing the possibility of being rejected for that depression was possible, and likely.

I feel ashamed because I want to simply be grateful for connection, however brief, but I am reminded that I am “flawed” in a way that many will balk at.

Ashamed because my responsibility is me and me is hurting.

I don’t need each individual to accept me, but I’m allowed to feel sad that a mental illness is running people away.

It’s not who I am they don’t want, but what I struggle with and hell..I don’t want it either.

I think I’d understand better if I did nothing, wasn’t getting help, didn’t have a routine..etc. but it’s not for me to understand and it’s not inherently wrong, no matter how shit it feels.

I guess

-🌹