There have been times in my life where I have been ashamed of myself.
Not just, kind of miffed at the decisions that I have decided to make,
but flat out ashamed.
The times where I didnt speak up when I shouldve, when I stayed somewhere that no longer served me, and when I lied, to myself and others, only to hold on to my shield for a little bit longer.
And when I could not face my shame, when I could not , or WOULD not own up to my inner truth, I faced pain.
As I have grown older, I noticed the propensity to hold on to some false truths, and to accept them as a necessity, something that had to happen in order to get through the day.
I made excuses like, I can’t really afford this thing because of other things that I can never remember or justify on the darkest days.
How do we justify it?
Television and all forms of media have taken a role, one where most people follow a path that seems fulfilling based on the judgments,values,and expectations of others. Only to eventually, generally in older age, realize that life was missed in all those moments of planning and waiting on the right time.
Without clocks, or the olden sun dial, time was NOW. I was with you when I was.
Perhaps I meet you at the suns rising, or maybe when the river is most choppy.
Time gave us structure, and for all its wonderment, I see time as something we use as an indicator of our victories and failures. How long did it take me to do this thing? Am I prolific or average, and ultimately what is the indicator of this thing. Perhaps I was really good at speaking at a young age, and therefore I am seen as very advanced for my age. As time goes on, there is watching and the expecting of more amazing. How long has it been since you last wrote a song? a poem? How many hours before I can go home from work/school? and how many dollars before I can afford that Rpod?
Growing up, I dreamed of the day when I could do anything that I wanted. When the word no was only a suggestion, and the free will I’d been promised was finally within grasp. As I grew, I listened to the tales of people, I decided what kind of person I was going to be, and picked the different destinies to which I would accept. At 18 everything was perfect, and ready and supple and new, and yet somehow at 24, I find myself suddenly looking around, searching for something to define the I am, that I Am. Why?
The only conclusion that I have managed to come to is that I learned how to self govern, how to police myself in order to remain safe and keep from making mistakes. For some time I began to give into the programming, the one that tells you that your destiny is a straight path, that your desires will be singular and make perfect sense,and that as long as you are nice and kind, nothing can ever go wrong.
And for the most part, I still believe this. I believe that destiny is a straight path, that will always appear to be winding. That my desires will be singular in the fact that they will flow through my being in poignant ways, inspiring me into action and artistry. That as long as I remain in the moment of now, there is no sense to make, and that nothing is ever going wrong, so you may as well be nice and kind.
I don’t always make it in every second. Sometimes I feel sad, and forsaken, and I forget that I am as perfect as a winding river, or a yellowed, bowing tree. Then I think again.I take a deep breath, and I make a new decision.
And it works, because for that second, in that breath, all of life makes sense, and I know that as long as I keep thinking, making a new decision to live my life to the fullest… I will.
Learning how to forgive myself for the dark moments, gave me an access point to constant light.
Welcome to the golden age.
-Ama Rose ❤