For about a year now I have been debating back and forth about my next step.
Where to live, what to do, where to go.
Until recently I didn’t recognize that all of these decisions factored one or more other people into the equation. Their thoughts, opinions,and prominence in my life became a sounding board for my decisions, and I did nothing.
Needless to say, lack of action felt even worse, and I began to feel myself disentigrate into, who am I going to be, and feelings of inadequacy. Why? Because I had already pictured myself at this point. Happy, fulfilled, and definitely not depressed, and yet, here I was. I had done everything I could to please everyone else, and yet, I was still miserable. Perhaps, I began to wonder, my source of happiness was internal. So I asked myself: What makes you happy? Fulfilled? Adventurous?
And the answer was easy.
Freedom from mental,physical and emotional bondage.
So what was binding me?
Some binds were made of thoughts, and past emotional burdens/pitfalls. Others familial/societal expectations, and finally MY OWN EXPECTATIONS.
I had given myself physical goals(monetary,external,etc) as well as spiritual ones (being happy,fulfilled, tuned in) without paying attention to how both physical and mental goals coincide. Therefore, for every good thing that happened in the physical, I wasn’t able to fully encounter on the spiritual. I did not feel fully happy at my accomplishments, and found the moment of now, heartbreaking.
Now I am choosing me.
That is a precarious first step, sure to lead to many more steps into the unknown knowing of self. Filling my tank, and following my own bliss.
You really are the only one who can see your dreams,create them, and actualize them..so why not invest in you?