I tend to consider how I feel last. However I know that I must live with how I feel always. Often what has happened is that I will do what others want, feel some joy at making them happy and then wake up the next morning or later that night sick with the guilt of betraying myself. I am doing my best to learn how to stop doing, this while maintaining my desire to give service.
I see very intimately now why being “nice” isn’t nice.
I read recently that frontal lobe development completes between the ages of 23-25 , and until I was this age of 25 I wasn’t sure how accurate that statement was, there was even some fear as to what that would mean for me. I rationalized that my creative spark would vanish and I would suddenly see the logic in having a 9-5 job. I do see the logic in a 9-5, but I also understand more intimately my own whims, ideas and desires. I realize that it is within my power to have whatever it is that I desire, and it is also within that power to push it away. I’ve pushed what I wanted away many times simply because it was uncomfortable for a period of time. There is no growth in comfort , not real growth. Loving yourself enough to constantly evaluate and become better is a truer peace in my opinion. Forever innovating self and the world. I am here to enjoy life ,to live life, to experience all of my desires to the extent that more erupt and to chase them without abandon. If that means that I take longer to answer a question or make a decision until I truly know what I want , that’s okay, and I am accepting that about myself. Finally